1 00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:05,588 ARTHUR: Previously on The King of Queens... 2 00:00:05,630 --> 00:00:07,215 I don't feel well. 3 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:09,300 Well-- what's the matter? 4 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:11,219 I don't know. My, my stomach's weird. 5 00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:15,765 [SIGHS] 6 00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,851 Carrie, what the hell is going on? He won't tell me anything. 7 00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:21,104 Um, I'm pregnant, and I'm terrified we're gonna be broke, 8 00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:22,647 and I love you, and we'll talk at home. 9 00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:28,528 Until the moment he is born... 10 00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,822 all the burden is on me. 11 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:34,409 -What do I do? -You just think happy thoughts and, 12 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,661 and grow a baby. That's your only job. 13 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,749 Not counting your regular job. We need that. 14 00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:51,509 Oh, man, that is so great. Okay, you know, I owe you. 15 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:54,137 -All right, bye. Yeah! -What? 16 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,930 Your old hubby just got a night job 17 00:00:55,972 --> 00:00:57,682 doing what he does best. 18 00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:00,852 I know what you're thinking. Underwear model. 19 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:06,024 Actually, what I do second best... driving. 20 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,860 Oh, the Limo thing came through? Yay! 21 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,821 Yep, five nights a week, I'm going to be playing motor host 22 00:01:11,863 --> 00:01:14,532 to New York's glamorous social elite. 23 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:17,952 And probably some drunk prom kids. 24 00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:20,121 Five nights. Honey, that's so much. 25 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:25,001 Money! Cash! You know what I'm talking about? Co-co-cold cash. 26 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:27,128 -All right. -I'm telling you, Carr, 27 00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:31,091 our kid's gonna have the best of everything... best food, best babysitters, 28 00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:32,801 solid-gold pacifier. 29 00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:34,719 All right. Not sure if it's good for a kid to suck on gold. 30 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,263 Fine. Then lead, whatever. The point is... 31 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,600 we're gonna have the money to do what we want. 32 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:43,645 Well, let me at least help out. How about I do some overtime work? 33 00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:46,564 No, no, no overtime work. That counts as burden. 34 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:48,525 You work 40 hours a week max. 35 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:51,069 And even then, I want a lot of slacking off. 36 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:54,114 You know, they put Solitaire on the computer for a reason. 37 00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:57,992 All right, well, maybe I'll go on-line, you know, read up baby-type stuff. 38 00:01:58,034 --> 00:02:00,620 Yes. See, there you go. Now we're vibing, huh? 39 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:03,790 It's gonna be okay, my little... [GIBBERISH] 40 00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,959 My little yummy, yummy, yummy... 41 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:09,838 All right, all right. If that continues, I will beat you with the blender. 42 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:12,590 Whoa. There are the hormones. Okay, killer. 43 00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:23,268 Sorry about that, kids. Just trying to shut off the right circuit breaker. 44 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:24,686 I don't know that these old bones 45 00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,604 can handle a third electrocution. 46 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:31,151 He's near our wires. Why is he near our wires? 47 00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:32,610 Uh, dad, what are you doing? 48 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,696 Pitching in. With the baby coming, 49 00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:37,657 I realize the contractor's too expensive to keep on, 50 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:39,075 but we still own the materials, 51 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:42,245 so I figured why not just finish up the job myself? 52 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:45,915 Um, maybe because you know absolutely nothing about construction? 53 00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:49,794 Is that so? Well, for your information, darling, 54 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,756 I spent several months working as a rivet boy 55 00:02:52,797 --> 00:02:54,299 on the Empire State Building. 56 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,718 In addition to doling out hot rivets, 57 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,304 I would also delight and amuse the workers 58 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:03,391 by dancing a lively jig during break time. 59 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:06,269 You know what? There's no rivets or dancing involved here, 60 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:07,729 so give it up, okay? 61 00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:09,814 Don't worry, Douglas, I'm not on my own here. 62 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,649 I have a step-by-step book 63 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:14,194 that will guide me through the process. 64 00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:19,032 Okay, this is How to Build an Outdoor Barbecue Pit. 65 00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:22,077 Granted, there'll be some extrapolating. 66 00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:24,913 Dad, please be rational here. 67 00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:26,247 You can't do this. 68 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:27,248 Yes, I can. 69 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,917 No, you can't. For God's sakes, 70 00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:31,670 you get reduced to tears when you try to make popcorn. 71 00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:34,172 Now come on, just forget about this now. 72 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,758 I'm sorry, darling. I know you're right. 73 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,718 It's just so hard to accept. 74 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,846 I was so close to having my own bathroom... 75 00:03:42,972 --> 00:03:44,307 I could taste it. 76 00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:53,149 You know what, Arthur? I'll... I'll finish it up for you, okay? 77 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,693 Don't be silly, Douglas. 78 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,319 You got way too much on your plate already. 79 00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:57,946 Believe me, I want to. 80 00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:00,657 In fact, I'll pick up the toilet on my way home, okay? 81 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:02,742 God bless you. 82 00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:06,204 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 83 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:09,332 [DOOR OPENS] 84 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,668 What up, little man? 85 00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,129 Not much. 86 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,172 Listen, I'm gonna grab a shower, but, um... 87 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:19,134 if one of your famous grilled-cheese sandwiches met me with a towel, 88 00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:21,261 I wouldn't hate it, you know what I'm saying? 89 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:24,389 What's the matter? 90 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:28,893 We need to talk. Come, sit. 91 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,021 Okay. 92 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,442 Uh... what's up? 93 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:40,321 [SIGHS] I, uh... oh, this is hard. 94 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,073 Come on. What is it? 95 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,410 [SIGHS] Okay, I just don't think this is working out for me. 96 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,911 What isn't? 97 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,831 This, this. This thing that we're doing. 98 00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:53,376 Bro, I'm just crashing on your couch until Kelly lets me back. 99 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,129 Exactly. And in the meantime, 100 00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:58,340 I'm nothing more than your servant. 101 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,758 I mean, I'm your doormat. 102 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:00,967 You're Mr. Belvedere. 103 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,218 Is this about the other night? 104 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,012 I, I called to tell you I wasn't coming home. 105 00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:07,349 I know, and thank you, but I just... 106 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:11,061 I feel like I've got to get off this emotional roller coaster. 107 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:14,105 You want me to move out? 108 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,857 I think it would be best 109 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,443 if you got all of your stuff out tomorrow, 110 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:22,072 and, and I'll make sure to be out the whole day. 111 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:25,533 I only have one suitcase, and I never even unpacked it. 112 00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,786 I don't think you have to be out at all. 113 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:31,164 Well, I have to be out anyways because of work. 114 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,168 Well, all right. 115 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,088 Why don't I just get started... 116 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:40,382 [CHOKED UP] on that grilled cheese sandwich? 117 00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:53,269 Can I help you? 118 00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,105 Uh, yeah, I guess. 119 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:56,564 I mean, I am pregnant, so-- 120 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,901 Pregnant? Oh, how wonderful! 121 00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:04,280 What a delightful, wonderful miracle that is. 122 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:06,783 Oh, I'm just a few weeks along. 123 00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,827 I was getting some coffee on my way home, 124 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,829 and I saw this place and I thought, 125 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,956 why not stick a toe in the water, right? 126 00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:15,959 Yeah. Well, the first thing you're gonna want to do with that toe 127 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,293 is have it talk the other toes 128 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,130 into kicking caffeine right out of your life. 129 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:21,423 Oh, no, no. You don't understand. 130 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,008 My coffee's the only thing that... 131 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,176 that keeps me from jumping in front of the "E" train. 132 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,095 [CHUCKLES] I do understand, 133 00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:30,306 but that nasty old caffeine gets into your tummy 134 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,267 and then up the umbilical cord, and, well, 135 00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:34,269 the next thing you know, you've got a hyperactive child 136 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:35,979 who's tugging on your dress screaming, 137 00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:38,148 "Mommy, mommy! Look at me! Mommy! Mommy! Look! Look!" 138 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:40,525 Got it. Okay. No more coffee. 139 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,818 -Great. -Okay. 140 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,445 We've got some great books here 141 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,071 on nutrition for expectant mothers 142 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,032 that are an absolute must-have. 143 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,492 Now, I assume you're taking folic acid? 144 00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:52,829 Well, I took some at a Metallica concert once. 145 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,956 Woke up the next day in the parking lot of a Waldbaum's. 146 00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,583 [LAUGHS] 147 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,960 I'm kidding. 148 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,504 I mean, that did happen, but... 149 00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,257 I know that's not what you meant. 150 00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:08,178 Anyway, I have an appointment with my OB/GYN next week, 151 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,347 and I'm sure he'll clue me in. 152 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:12,265 Right, but in the meantime you want to get a little checklist going, huh? 153 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,100 See what this cute little money pit's gonna run ya? 154 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,477 Exactly. 155 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,562 Great. Where should we start? Changing tables. 156 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:20,273 Oh, you know what, actually, um, I don't think I need one of those. 157 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:23,151 We have this old berow in attic, I think I'm just gonna use that. 158 00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,195 Does it have a lip on it? 159 00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:29,074 [STUTTERING] I don't know. Is that important? 160 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,368 Oh, gosh! I don't know, let's see. 161 00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:35,497 Here I am, changing my baby on the no-lip berow 162 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,999 I saved all $600 on. 163 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:41,544 What's that, the phone? I better get it. [LAUGHS] 164 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,339 Well, hello there, husband. 165 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,966 No, I'm just changing little Wynona. We're-- 166 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:49,177 Oh, God! Wynona, no! 167 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,970 [SOBBING] No, no! 168 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:53,348 What happened? What happened to little Wynona? 169 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,059 She rolled off the edge cause there was no lip. 170 00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:01,189 Now she has to go to special classes. 171 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,983 Got it. Get a changing table. Okay. 172 00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:07,278 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 173 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,488 So what brings you to Gotham? 174 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:10,115 You here on business? 175 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,035 -Yes. -Oh. What do you do? 176 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,538 I run CBS. 177 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,998 Ah, CVS, nice. 178 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,500 My wife shops there. 179 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,919 In fact, she just picked up a couple of 12-packs of Charmin. 180 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,462 Saved a bundle. 181 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,381 Good feeling, though, when you're all set with T.P. 182 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,008 for a few weeks, am I right? 183 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:32,053 Not CVS. CBS. 184 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,514 Oh, CBS. 185 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:36,516 Hey, is that guy on Beckerreally blind? 186 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:37,934 What's the deal? 187 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,228 Gotcha. No problem. 188 00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:43,189 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 189 00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:44,566 -Hello. -Hi, hon, it's me. 190 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,401 Hey, babe. How you feeling? 191 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,945 Um, fine. Well, I threw up this morning, but that's normal. 192 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,281 Hey, you had fruit loops. That must have been quite a show. 193 00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:54,034 Okay, well, I'm at the baby store... 194 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,452 Fantastic. 195 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:57,328 There's this great changing table. 196 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,289 I know you don't know what that is, but we're gonna need it. 197 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:01,416 [WHISPERING] Tell him it has a decorative lip. 198 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,084 It has a decorative lip. 199 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,502 Anyway, it's a display model 200 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,004 and we can get it for 1/3 off. 201 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,089 Well, if you think that it's a good deal-- 202 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,758 Hey! What are you doing? 203 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,426 You passed my building. 204 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:12,761 Uh, oops. Okay. 205 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,346 No problem. I'll just swing around. 206 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,597 Sorry about that. 207 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:16,973 All right, order it if you want, okay? 208 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,100 It's fine. I gotta go. 209 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,352 Douglas, got a moment to chat? 210 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,978 Hold-- hold on one sec, okay? 211 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:26,107 -[SHOUTING] -What did I say? Heads inside! 212 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,609 What-- what is it, Arthur? 213 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,487 I'm a bit concerned about the lack of progress 214 00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,113 vis-a-vis the toilet. 215 00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,448 You know what? I can't hear you. 216 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:34,616 You're gotta say it again. 217 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:37,202 The toilet! The thing I don't have! 218 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,453 Hold on one sec. 219 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,663 Pants on! 220 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,544 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 221 00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:49,214 Yeah, hello? 222 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,548 Are you married to the decorative lip? 223 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,300 No, no, no, no, not at all. 224 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,010 CARRIE: Okay, good, bye. 225 00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:57,138 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 226 00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,432 -Yeah? -You left another 227 00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:00,725 pallet of two day's, man. 228 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,269 Crap. All-- all right, thanks. 229 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:07,774 -[CELL PHONE RINGING] -[CHUCKLES] 230 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:11,027 -What? -So I guess the toilet is here 231 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:12,278 and I'm just missing it. 232 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,406 Listen, I said I would get it. 233 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,366 Now, stop calling me, 234 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:19,202 or the toilet will be your new fedora. 235 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:24,624 Anger. 236 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,336 Young man, wake up. 237 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:31,506 -[SNORES] -We can't get out. The doors are locked. 238 00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:34,092 [KNOCKING] Wake up. Start the engine. 239 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,220 Oh, Herman, I'm frightened. 240 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,897 Oh, coffee. 241 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:49,816 Coffee. Need coffee. 242 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,068 Oh, sweet wakey juice. 243 00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,988 Oh, oh, yeah. 244 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,164 Oh, it's cold... [EXHALES] 245 00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,957 and decaf. 246 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,001 Okay, that was a miss-miss. 247 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,754 ARTHUR: Douglas, is that you? 248 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,213 [SIGHS] Yeah. 249 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:15,008 Would you kindly step down here for a moment. 250 00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:17,052 [SIGHING] 251 00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,638 Yeah, Arthur, what-- oh, God! 252 00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,224 Hello, Douglas. 253 00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:27,687 You, uh, you do understand that's not connected, right? 254 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,647 Yes, but as you can see, 255 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,233 there aren't a great many seating options available down here. 256 00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:35,695 Sorry, I've been busy, but I did bring the toilet in, right? 257 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,781 Yes, you did, which I'm now beginning to assume 258 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,199 was just to taunt me. 259 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:41,910 It wasn't to taunt you. 260 00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,661 Well, then can you hook it up tonight? 261 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,039 I can't tonight. I gotta drive Insane Clown Posse 262 00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:47,916 to the VH-1 Awards. 263 00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:50,001 Look, I don't understand your street jargon, 264 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,920 but I do understand there's a toilet here 265 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:54,839 with no conduit to the ocean. 266 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,676 Arthur, I have a half an hour before I have to leave for work. 267 00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,011 If I don't lie down, I'm gonna break in a scary way. 268 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,054 CARRIE: Doug, you home? 269 00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:02,681 -Yeah. Coming! -Wait! 270 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,183 Where you going? I'm on the brink of Utopia. 271 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,643 Help me! 272 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:09,979 DOUG: Where are you? 273 00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:11,731 In my office. Come on up. 274 00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:16,820 Huh? Huh? What do you think? 275 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,988 What's... what's all this? 276 00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:20,198 Our baby's room. 277 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,866 I want to see how the furniture would fit, 278 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,993 so I got a bunch of empty boxes from the supermarket. 279 00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:26,162 Oh! Shamaniqua says congratulations 280 00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:28,998 and sends a shout-out to ya. 281 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,208 Oh, we got to go, honey. Come on. 282 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,668 Wait. Wait. Where we going? 283 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:32,877 My obstetrician appointment. 284 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,629 You said you wanted to come with me, right? 285 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,047 Yeow. 286 00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:39,342 [LAUGHS] Hey, check it out, honey. 287 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,969 It's like the Zamboni at the Ranger Game. 288 00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,846 -[IMITATES ZAMBONI] -All right, Doug-- 289 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,056 * Dunh-dunh-dunh-dunh dunh dunh * 290 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,100 -Stop it! -Yeah! 291 00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:48,685 All right. 292 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:50,186 All right-- 293 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,731 Blue, 395. Blue. Blue. 294 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,274 Would you stop it? Doug-- 295 00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,860 -Hut! -Stop it. 296 00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,987 How much coffee have you had? 297 00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:01,865 Just this one... and the other two. 298 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,033 All right, you know what, sweetie? 299 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,701 I love you for bringing me here, 300 00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,244 but why don't you head out to work, okay? 301 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,954 You're making me nervous. 302 00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:09,706 Besides, you don't want to be late. 303 00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:13,043 No sense in upsetting an already Insane Clown Posse. 304 00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:14,836 All right, sorry for the wait. 305 00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:17,047 Oh, that's okay, Dr. Lindhardt. This is my husband, Doug. 306 00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,090 Doug, hello. 307 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,884 It would seem congratulations are in order. 308 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,344 Well, thanks, and to you. 309 00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,888 Took me two whole dates to get where you're about to go. 310 00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:26,806 I kid. I kid. 311 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,183 Okay, bye-bye, now. 312 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,185 All right, I gotta go. I'm going. I'm going. 313 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,062 Hey, you guys want the door open or closed? 314 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,938 Again, I kid. I kid. 315 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:37,233 -Ah! -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 316 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,072 Oh, keys. 317 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,366 I just forgot-- 318 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,247 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] 319 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,249 Honey? 320 00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:55,293 [DRY GULPS] What happened? 321 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,754 Do we have the baby? 322 00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:01,424 No. You passed out. 323 00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:02,759 I did? 324 00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:04,761 Huh. 325 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:06,721 Oh, well. Gotta go. 326 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,057 -Doug! -What? 327 00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:10,266 -Where are you going? -To work. 328 00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,726 -To work? -Yeah. 329 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:12,936 You just collapsed! 330 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,854 I didn't collapse. That was a catnap. 331 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,690 Did me a world of good, too. I'll see you tonight. 332 00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:20,944 [DOUG COLLAPSES] 333 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,782 Doug? Honey? 334 00:14:25,824 --> 00:14:27,117 What happened? 335 00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:28,993 You passed out again. 336 00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:31,371 Why am I in these? 337 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,918 Well, the doctor thought it would be better 338 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,920 if you had your feet elevated this time, 339 00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:40,296 but you know what? Take 'em down. 340 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,132 It's starting to creep me out a little bit. 341 00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:46,052 All righty, well, once again, I'll see you tonight, okay? 342 00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,303 -Doug! -What? 343 00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,097 Stop leaving. 344 00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:51,057 I have work. I've got to pick up a car in Astoria. 345 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,143 Doug, you are passing out every third step. 346 00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:55,979 Astoria is a little ambitious, okay? 347 00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,898 Now, just tell me what is going on with you? 348 00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:01,151 I don't know! 349 00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:02,944 Everything's changing, Carrie. 350 00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:05,822 You know, two weeks ago you were my beautiful, sexy wife. 351 00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:08,992 Now I walk in here, and you're-- you're not her anymore. 352 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:12,871 [PANTING] You're-- you're that... 353 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,123 and I'm Mr. That. 354 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:16,833 [PANTING] You know, we're sitting out there. 355 00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:18,376 We're filling out forms "Name of mother? Name of father?" 356 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,961 I'm not even Doug anymore. 357 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:22,005 You realize that? I'm "Name of father." 358 00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:24,424 I thought you were Mr. That. 359 00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:26,259 Okay, Carrie. Glad you're having fun with this. 360 00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:27,802 Well, Doug, what do you want me to say? 361 00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:29,137 Everything's changing, yes. 362 00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:30,805 Why is it all dawning on you now? 363 00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,058 Because I never had time for it to dawn on me before! 364 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,268 I was too busy trying to shoulder you into a good place. 365 00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:37,145 Well, you made me give you all the burden. 366 00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:38,980 I know, but because of that, I never had a moment, 367 00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:40,190 not one moment, 368 00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:42,233 to say, "Holy crap! What's happening to us?" 369 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,861 You know what? I'm saying it now. 370 00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:47,405 Holy crap! What's happening to us? 371 00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:54,496 We're having a baby... 372 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:56,915 and it's gonna be okay. 373 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,124 Oh, shut up. 374 00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:04,297 I'm serious. It is. 375 00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,049 Yeah, well. Why are you so sure now? 376 00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:07,258 Because of you. 377 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,261 -Me? -Mm-hmm. 378 00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:15,016 Watching you these last couple of weeks, 379 00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:18,812 and seeing what you're willing... to put yourself through 380 00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:20,105 for me, for... 381 00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:22,524 our family... 382 00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:28,279 I just realized, you know, because we have you, we're... 383 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,240 -we're gonna be okay. -[EXHALES] 384 00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:36,162 I am pretty amazing, huh? 385 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:41,084 Hey, I let you get me pregnant, right? 386 00:16:41,126 --> 00:16:43,169 Only seven or eight guys can say that. 387 00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:48,842 So you really-- really think we can pull this off? 388 00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,094 I do... 389 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,931 but you know what? You have to... 390 00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:57,017 you have to give me some of the burden back. 391 00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:59,144 No. No. It's-- I don't-- it's in the car. 392 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,895 -I don't believe it is. -No. I don't have it. 393 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,397 -I think you have it on you. -I don't have it on me. 394 00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,107 You give it to me! Give it to me. Give it to me. 395 00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,900 Stop it! Leave me alone. 396 00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:07,819 Give me the burden. Give me the burden. Come on, baby. 397 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:12,490 I'll come back. 398 00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:16,286 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 399 00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:18,455 [DOORBELL RINGS] 400 00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,457 Huh. You, uh, you expecting someone? 401 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:23,293 No, I canceled both my lovers when I let you move back in. 402 00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:24,919 [LAUGHS] Good one. 403 00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,510 -Oh! Hey, man. -Hey, Deac. Hey, Kel. 404 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:33,970 Hey, Spence. 405 00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:36,598 It's a-- it's a little late. What's up? 406 00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:40,185 Oh, well, you had some T-shirts in the wash when you left. 407 00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:41,478 I thought you might need 'em. 408 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,396 Um, I'm all out of snuggle, 409 00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:46,232 -so those might be a little rougher than you're used to. -[LAUGHS] 410 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,109 Thanks, man, you didn't have to do this, though. 411 00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:51,863 Oh, well, I felt kinda bad with the way we left things. 412 00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:53,531 No, no. Don't be silly, man. Your kicking me out 413 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:54,949 was the best thing that could have happened. 414 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:57,285 Kelly and I are doing great now. 415 00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,870 -Are you? -Yeah. 416 00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,955 Well, that's good. 417 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,250 Anything else, or... 418 00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,170 Oh... No, I just dropped by with the T-shirts and a how-do. 419 00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:09,089 All right, well, I guess I'll catch you at Coopers, all right? 420 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:10,674 -You got it. -All right, good night, man. 421 00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:12,050 Goodnight. 422 00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,437 DOUG: Carrie! 423 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:26,898 Wife? 424 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,360 Wife! Wifey! 425 00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:35,407 [AS JERRY LEWIS] Wifey-lady person-thingie, hello! 426 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,575 Here you are. Check this out. 427 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,661 It's called a receiving blanket, 428 00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:42,539 and apparently, it's perfect for... 429 00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:45,000 swaddling our precious new baby. 430 00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,085 Now all we have to do is learn how to swaddle. 431 00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:49,254 [CLEARS THROAT] 432 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,423 What's the matter? 433 00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:53,925 We're not gonna be needing that. 434 00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:56,511 What are you-- 435 00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:59,222 I felt weird, so I went back to the doctor. 436 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,390 I... 437 00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:04,144 I, uh, I lost it. 438 00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:19,701 Oh. 439 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,331 [SIGHS] 440 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:29,294 So, are... 441 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,088 are you okay? 442 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,386 It's funny, you know, the other day at the doctor 443 00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:42,182 we were both in a good place about this for the first time. 444 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:45,185 And... and now... 445 00:19:51,274 --> 00:19:52,650 [CRYING] 446 00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:05,997 [HAMMERS] 447 00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:06,998 Oh, that's it, Artie. 448 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,249 The dream has become a reality. 449 00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,293 Never thought I'd live to see it. 450 00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:13,296 Thank you, Douglas. You did a wonderful job. 451 00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:14,798 Yeah. Looks good, right? 452 00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,801 And I want to apologize once again for the cement incident. 453 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,136 Ah, look, hey, we caught it before anybody ate any. 454 00:20:20,178 --> 00:20:21,721 That's the main thing. 455 00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:24,683 So, uh, how's Carrie doing? 456 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,102 She's-- she's doing all right, you know. 457 00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:29,270 I guess the good thing that came of all this is 458 00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:30,730 we now know that we really do want to have a baby, 459 00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:32,315 so we're gonna keep trying. 460 00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:33,525 That's the spirit. 461 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,485 Don't let the bastards get you down. 462 00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:44,077 I'm not sure what bastards you mean, 463 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:46,329 but thank you. 464 00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,581 CARRIE: Doug, everyone's here. Come on! 465 00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:50,333 Hey, we're going to the movies, Arthur. 466 00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:52,293 -You want to come with us? -No, thanks, Douglas. 467 00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:54,713 I think I'll stay home tonight. 468 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,466 Think I'll stay home. 469 00:21:00,844 --> 00:21:03,513 Enjoy. 470 00:21:03,555 --> 00:21:07,183 Okay, people, let's go eat a dangerous amount of milk duds. 471 00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,354 Sweetie, you should have brought a jacket. 472 00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:13,356 You're gonna get cold. 473 00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:14,691 -I'll be all right. -You always say that, and you wind up being chilly. 474 00:21:14,733 --> 00:21:16,526 -Honey, I'll be fine. -All right. 475 00:21:17,736 --> 00:21:21,448 [CLEARS THROAT] I'll keep the couch free. 476 00:21:41,551 --> 00:21:43,303 [TOILET FLUSHING] 477 00:21:44,888 --> 00:21:46,598 ARTHUR: Now, that's livin'! 478 00:21:53,063 --> 00:21:56,149 [FOLK MUSIC PLAYING] 479 00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:11,706 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]